lost

Yesterday was a mixed day. Did my cycle, which turned into a 2 1/2 hour affair cause I hadn't counted on the strong wind behind my back on the way out, that was right into my face on the return. Two nearly flat tyres didn't help, but I still have to be really thankful to Alice for lending me her bike. I nearly made it out to Seton sands, and the views were great.

Didn't really get any work done for dissertation or newspaper. Those friends of Martin's blew me out again on the restaurant review, cunts. Cooked myself a phat-ass risotto for tea, I am one fucking good cook, I should at least have confidence in that.

Took Lesta to see Martin in the evening. We met downstairs in the G-bar and talked about possible things we could do at this Heroes or future ones. All seemed very exciting. Martin was talking about how he planned to get Heroes really underway for the festival, and that's what we should be aiming for. This set my mind racing, cause according to my vague plan I'm moving out of Edinburgh after I graduate. Mentally I began imagining getting a flat and staying up here just to be a dancer, but then I corrected myself, thinking Heroes has to be fucking good to justify altering my career.

We got talking about dancing and how to get tips from the crowd. Martin was kind of showing us how he wanted us to do it. I started to get nervous but was reasonably confident. So he asks me to dance for Lesta and I start doing all the stupid grinding, bum-wiggling, slight piss-taking that we usually do when we're out. And Martin's like "you're not a woman" and starts showing how I should do it so that I'm making the other person work for it. And I'm thinking "I'm not an arrogant snotty swishy queen either" but that seems to be the way he wants me to behave to get the money.

I'm hoping I'll figure this out in time. Martin's like "I've seen you can dance" which roughly translates as " that was shit dancing, what the fuck's wrong with you." I did dance well the time we first pulled by I was just confident and happy and not thinking about it that time. Plus I was enjoying the music, but Martin says that Heroes is not about the music! So what is it about then? The entertainment apparently, which totally puts the pressure on me. Well I'm not even gonna think about the whole tipping thing, cause I'll be pleased to get anything. I wouldn't tip me, I'm not an impressive dancer, I'm scrawny, I'm ugly and why should you tip someone who's behaving like an arrogant cock?

So yeah, all that confidence in my dancing from 2 Many DJs has totally evaporated.
The other thing that hit a nerve was Martin saying how there aren't any drag queens around and then bringing up his "oh you'd make a really pretty drag queen" thing again, this time in front of Lesta for added humiliation. I should develop some fucking backbone and tell him where to stick it. I know it's my issue and I should be more secure in my masculinity and blah blah blah, but I really fucking hate the idea. I've no problem with transvestites, men who wear women's clothes for their own private reasons or prefer to go out and meet their mates in them. I just don't see the point in drag queens who go out and put on this great big performance for the strangers they meet. They don't seem to realise they're not sexy or attractive, they're not shocking or controversial, they're not funny, they just come across to me as badly dressed men in clothes that don't fit. But they think they're the fucking queen of the world and thay they have a mandate to be horrible and bitchy to strangers. I also don't understand Martin, on the one side he's like "you're not a woman" and on the other he wants to make me into one.

In fact I don't understand Martin at all, or myself for that matter. All I know is that something about the whole evening left me with a feeling of intense anger and unhappiness. It could be I'm just doing the whole "I just got one totally reasonable bit of criticism so now I'm going to sulk" that my Dad does. Or it could be the whole struggling to deal with doing something so gay and potentially humiliating in public, with Martin's promise/threat that he wants me to push this further. I went straight to bed when I got in cause there was no point staying up and moping. Got up this morning and still felt that mix of rage and despair. So I thought I'd try to write it down to get my thoughts in some order.

I just feel so fucking lonely I could die sometimes. I've really put myself in Lodewijk's trap recently. Just like that cunt I'm in danger of having a 1000 acquaintances and no best friend. I just don't know to who I can turn to talk about problems like this. I just want someone to care when I'm lost, without feeling like I'm wasting their time, or that my problems are just trivial. I feel overstretched at times, so that I'm not being myself, and it hurts to see people unimpressed or disappointed in me. I need to stop trying to make everybody fucking like me.

I'm not like this all the time, just today. Other times I'm so confident (like in the last post) and I really think I've got it. I feel I know how the world works and won't slip off that correct path, which makes the fall so much more frustrating.

I think I need to stop seeing conflict and confusion as negative things. I need to stop being such a control freak. OK so I'm lost, but I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone if I want to mature and grow and learn about life. I may feel I'm doing it alone at times, but you can only really learn to do something if you do it yourself, not if someone does it for you. I have a strong suspicion that this intense feeling I'm having is related to Martin. The intense confusion I have at the moment has appeared in the past, usually when I'm involved with some bloke in some way. I think my desire to get away from it and regain control over a known universe is at the root of most of my committment phobia. Except in this case it's Maritn who has no desire to commit. Regardless, I need to learn to manage and master this feeling, so it doesn't cripple me in future from doing the things I want to do.